Parenting your parents

It often starts small. You may notice they forgot to pay a bill. They may ask you to drive them somewhere they used to drive themselves. You may start checking in more often. Then one day you realise: you are making decisions for the person who used to make every decision for you.

This is not just a logistics change. For many, it can be an identity shift. You may be grieving the parent they were while still caring for the parent they are. Both things can be true at once.

You may feel grief long before anyone dies. Grief for the conversations you can no longer have. Grief for the advice they can no longer give. Grief for the version of them that knew your name without hesitation. For many, this is called anticipatory grief.

It is real grief. You are allowed to feel it even while they are still here.

Your parent may refuse help, deny they need it, or get angry when you try. For many, this is not stubbornness — it can be fear. They may be losing independence, and accepting help can make it real.

• Start with what they agree they need, not what you think they need
• They may accept help more readily if you are honest about your own worry: "I'd feel better knowing you had someone checking in"
• Involve their GP — sometimes they will accept advice from a doctor that they reject from a child
• Pick your battles. Safety first, dignity always

In many families, one child carries more than the others — often the one who lives closest, the one who is most available, or the one the family has always leaned on. The patterns can be predictable and the resentment can be real.

• Name it early. Have the conversation before you are exhausted
• Be specific about what you need: "I need you to take Mum to her Thursday appointment"
• Accept that equal will never happen — aim for fair
• If a sibling cannot do tasks, they can contribute financially to respite or services

At some point you may need to talk about driving, living alone, finances, or moving into care. For many, these conversations are hard because they are about loss — theirs and yours.

• Have the conversation early, before a crisis forces it
• Ask what matters to them: "What would you want if you couldn't manage at home?"
• Write it down together — it becomes a shared plan, not something done to them
• Involve their GP or a geriatrician if you need backup

For most people, caring for someone else indefinitely without caring for yourself is not sustainable. This is not a cliche — for many, it is physics. Carer burnout is real and it can have a body cost.

• You are allowed to have days where you resent this
• You are allowed to say no to some requests
• Respite is not a luxury — for many, it is maintenance
• Carer Gateway (1800 422 737) exists specifically for you

• You may feel like a bad child and a bad parent at the same time
• You may make decisions you are not sure about — that can be normal
• You may miss them while they are still in the room
• Other people may say "you're so strong" when you feel like you are falling apart
• There is no manual for this. You are doing it anyway. That counts.