Communication that helps

If they think it’s 1972, it’s 1972. If they think their long-dead mother is in the next room, gently meet them there: “Tell me about your mum. What was she like?” Correcting them — “Mum died, remember?” — only causes them to grieve their mother all over again.

This is sometimes called “therapeutic fibbing.” It is not dishonesty. It is kindness inside a confused world.

• Say one thing at a time
• Use short sentences
• Give them time to respond — sometimes a long time
• Make eye contact, use their name, smile
• Use touch — a hand, a shoulder — if they’re comfortable with it

• “Don’t you remember?” — they don’t, and asking shames them
• “I just told you” — they didn’t hold onto it
• Quizzing them about names, dates, or what they had for lunch
• Arguing about whose version of reality is correct
• Speaking about them in front of them as if they aren’t there

Long after conversation has gone, the songs of a person’s teens and twenties often remain. Make a playlist. Sing together. Music can bring someone back, briefly, even in the late stages.